running through fireworks

Last night I went for a run after sunset as the fireworks went off everywhere. I spent the afternoon finishing Roberto Belano’s long book “ The Savage Detectives”- while laying in my hammock and smoking a pipe. The book is a masterpiece and as infinitely sad as real life, it is also too long and very boring in parts – also like life. First I ran through Irving park. I ran through the white folks neighborhoods and it was a ghost town. Later I jogged back through my neighborhood which is more black and it became much more lively, crowds in every corner lighting off bottle rockets, firecrackers, Roman candles.

One the third mile I was nearly shot in the face with a bottle rocket – it came spiraling across the street in a blazing red corkscrew - it was too stunning to react to until it just missed me – flew behind me and into a field. “ Holy Shit !” I yelled laughing - I heard the clamor of the house that fired it, yelling – “you almost hit that jogger! “ , “ Sorry ‘bout that!” etc.

On the way jogging up a hill I ran past a man in an SUV talking to a lady on the sidewalk , when I jogged by the man yelled sarcastically at me “ Nice job man, good work” or something like that. I don’t understand why it made him angry that I was jogging while the fireworks were going off. I guess he figured I was such a dedicated runner that no holiday could slow me down – quite the opposite is true, and yet I saw more fireworks than just about anyone in my slow 6 mile tour of N. Portland. It was like going jogging in a war-zone, really fun!

Something I was thinking about, but I can’t quite put my finger on, this morning. I have been wondering about a vague impression I have – that not so long ago I was a better/stronger person : by that I simply mean I was a person more true to myself. I am not quite sure what I mean by this – but when I think about the way I interact with people, my level of confidence and direction and my sense of self ; I feel something has changed. As though at one point I kept myself above the fray of many different social dynamics and have now succumbed to letting myself be influenced by other’s opinions, wants, and petty egos.

Now, it is early in the morning and time to write.